Dear Kelly,

Your story reminds me of my own children at that age. It can be frustrating and even a little scary to watch your child have a tantrum that is so intense. I won't be able to help you "solve" the problem, but I can give you some ideas that might be helpful.

First, recognize that you have good instincts. Children your daughter's age will not benefit from a time out in this situation. Punishing a child that is already overwhelmed is also not going to help the child learn anything.

Second, it may be helpful to you to know that having "temper tantrums" at this age is normal. Like adults, young children have strong feelings. But adults have learned lots of ways to handle those feelings. They can go spend some time alone, label the feeling, think about it, talk it over with someone, distract themselves, go do something they enjoy etc. Eighteen month olds don't have any of those tools. Not only that, they are sometimes tired or overwhelmed or hungry which intensifies things. Tantrums in an 18 month old do not reflect a parenting problem. For most children, tantrums gradually diminish as children learn to talk, learn to identify their feelings and gain the skills to soothe themselves. That doesn't help much right now...but might give you something to look forward to.

As she has more tantrums (which she will) you may begin to recognize some of the things that "set her off." Common triggers are a change in routine, tiredness, hunger and over stimulation. You can't always avoid those situations...but you will learn how to check in with her and be able to do some prevention (snacks, taking a little quiet time on a busy day, avoiding a late afternoon trip to the grocery store etc.)

Another tool that works for some families is to talk about tantrums with your daughter at a time when both of you are rested and feeling good. She may not be able to express herself very well, but she can understand you. Let her know that you know when she has a tantrum that she is feeling very upset. You can let her know that you would really like to snuggle with her and love her at that moment but you know that that has not worked. You might also let her know that when she has a tantrum you will let her be and every now and then you will check in with her to see if she is ready for a hug...AND that if she decides in the middle of a tantrum that a hug would help, to come ask you for one. Will this stop the tantrums? Absolutely not. Will it help you and your daughter know that you care about her? Probably.

Strong willed and "hot tempered" toddlers make for very interesting children and young adults. Learning to live with these little people who seem to want to be older than what they really are can be a challenge....but she will bring so much energy and aliveness into your life as she grows into herself. Continue to trust your instincts and don't be afraid of your lovable 18 month old bundle of energy.

Best wishes
Jody

Hurting and punishing kids isn't good for either the child or the parent. Not even in the "name of love." It is time to question our culture's deep unspoken assumptions about how to "teach." At some level we believe that for learning to take place, there has to be some suffering involved. You know the sayings: "No pain, no gain," "He'll pay for this," "This should teach him a lesson," "She won't get away with it this time," and many more.

Before "re-stocking" the tool box, it is helpful to think about what children need to thrive. Children need a sense of belonging (connection) and significance (meaning) in their world. They also need an opportunity to explore, take risks and mess things up (freedom) as well as clear limits (order). Having a clear set of guidelines about how to interact socially in a home gives children a sense of emotional safety and a freedom to explore in much the same way that a fence at the side of the path along the Grand Canyon allows one the safety from which to really appreciate the splendor of the deep valley.

The good news is that there are lots of simple, respectful (to both the child and parent) parenting tools that are effective in the long term. By using kindness and firmness at the same time we can discipline (teach) our children the life skills they need without being either permissive or punitive. We build long term relationships. By filling the parenting "tool box" with more resources you will find that those "old" parenting tools gradually rust at the bottom of the box. Here are some tools that come from parenting principles that work:

Children need a sense of belonging (connection) and significance (meaning). Mis-behavior is a mis-guided attempt to connect or feel important. Creating opportunities to connect and contribute will limit misbehavior.
• Spend special time with your child, invite your child to help with dinner or house repairs, have household jobs for all.
• Ask curiosity questions ("what" and "how" questions) to learn about how your child saw the situation.
• Support them in finding socially useful ways to get the belonging they seek. (What would happen if you ask your brother to play instead of taking his toy? I can tell you'd like to be with me now, would you like to help me cook? Etc.)
• Remember that children learn best when they have a sense of value and connection. Jane Nelsen says, "Connect before you correct."

Maintain dignity and respect for yourself and for the situation and child.
• Unless safety is an immediate issue, there is no rush to solve problems. We all have more resources to learn from our mistakes when we are feeling a little better.
• Stay calm! (If you aren't calm, get calm before you address the issue even if it means saying "I'm too upset to solve this right now. We all need to go cool off.")
• Use clear language that focuses on what to do, not what not to do. (People are for hugging, not hitting. You can have a cookie after dinner.) Children learn by watching.
• Use the "problems" as opportunities to teach (and model) problem solving. Aim toward solutions not "consequences." The difference is that a solution is always helpful.

Life has ups and downs and children learn resilience by practicing.
• Don't rescue children from feeling sad, angry, hurt (instead use empathy) but don't add those feelings from the outside by yelling, shaming, inviting your child to feel guilty, or punishing.
• It is not your job to keep your children happy. Setting appropriate limits has bigger benefits than immediate happiness.

Mistakes are opportunities to learn.
• When you make mistakes, come back later and apologize. Enjoy your child!
• Practice noticing what your child IS (strengths) instead of what she or he isn't.

Refill your tool box slowly. It might be that you choose to make a special effort to play with or listen to your child today. Or perhaps for one week you'll practice staying calm. Gradually, with practice you won't be reaching for those "old" parenting tools nearly as often. You'll understand that it is possible to discipline (teach) our children with kindness and firmness without being either permissive or punitive: from the heart instead of the hip.

Periods 1 and 2 are Co-Teach which means that another teacher and I will both be teaching the class cooperatively. She is twice my age, has years more experience and has a teaching degree. I am going the Alternative Certification route and have yet to take one education credit my entire school career. (My degree is in Biology).

How do I introduce the Positive Discipline and class meeting techniques to her without appearing to be the "green rookie" who thinks she knows better than anyone else because she has a novel new technique? I respect my Co-Teacher tremendously and I feel honored, lucky and relieved to have her with me for those two periods. I don't want to offend her by appearing like a smarta**.

Thank you very much in advance for your response and THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART FOR GIVING ME THE TOOLS TO SHOW MY STUDENTS RESPECT AND LOVE!!

Sincerely,
D K

Dear Teacher,
I have been working with teachers implementing Positive Discipline in the Classroom for nine years. Your question is a good one and I think your concern about not offending your more experienced team mate is really appropriate. Although I am impressed over and over again with the power of class meetings and Positive Discipline in the Classroom, and Id love to see schools make instant transformations, my experience tells me that going a bit more slowly and starting with smaller steps will really pay off in the long term. Schools and the people that work in them get lots of input from the outside about things that they should do to make improvements. Many of these ideas, though well intentioned, do not really work in real life. Out of survival, most teachers have learned to be a bit skeptical and slow to change. While many view this as resistance or stubbornness I see some real wisdom and concern for the students in this attitude. Teachers realize that if they responded to every proposed change that they would be dizzy from going in circles. But there still is a lot that you can do and be effective in implementing really helpful pieces of Positive Discipline. Im guessing from your letter that you will be teaching at a middle or high school with 5-7 periods a day, so my suggestions are aimed in that direction but they can be adapted for classrooms of any age.

But before the specific suggestions I think it is helpful to remember that you have a whole teaching career ahead of you. Your passion and desire to connect will come out because that is who you are. There is also a tremendous amount to learn about: how to work with a class, how to work with teachers, what teaching style is a best fit for you and for your students, how to master the time management issues and do this job and still hold on to yourself and the other important things in your life etc. Some of these you will be able to learn from this wonderful opportunity to work with an experienced teacher. You may notice that at times being a new teacher can be overwhelming and taking care of yourself and not taking on too much will be really important in the long term. Even though you really have connected with PD, I recommend that you start with small bites at this point. As the rest of your teaching responsibilities get more settled you will find that these small steps have provided a really solid foundation and serve you really well. The key word in your question is introduce. That is what is called for. And I recommend a very gentle and slow introduction that probably will involve walking the talk and embodying the principles of PD instead of bringing class meetings into your mutual space. It is about how you hold yourself while you are actively learning everything you can from her. Hopefully the suggestions below will paint a better picture of what Im trying to say.

1. Positive Discipline is an Adlerian program that is based on the idea that as human beings we seek to gain an internal sense of belonging and significance. Linda Albert applies this to the classroom by saying that students seek to Connect, be Capable and Contribute. There are so many ways that you as an individual teacher, even team teaching can bring this out without threatening your team mate.
- You can make eye contact and greet each student by name as they come in the room.
(Connect)
- You can gradually (it takes time with lots of students) to see each student as an individual. Your attitude will let them know you are interested in them. This doesnt mean long interviews. Instead it might mean noticing and remembering which club or team a student belongs to, or which week is with Mom or with Dad, or how their brother in the hospital is doing. (Connect)
- You can enhance their sense of capability by paying close attention to empowering instead of enabling. One of the middle school biology teachers I worked with started doing this by not just answering students questions. When students came to her for the answer, instead of giving it, she would respond by saying something like, Hmm, that is a good question. How do you think youll figure it out? or, What kind of resources might have the answer to that question? or, I know that you know about_______ (a similar issue), can you use that knowledge to figure this one out? or, Wow, that is a hard one, Im willing to get you started, but I know youll learn it and understand it better if you work hard on it too. She found this initially quite difficult. The students were upset that she wasnt just giving them the answer. But it wasnt long before the kinds of questions they were asking changed to things like, Can you help me figure out where to begin here? She realized that they were beginning to see themselves as more capable.

- You can look for opportunities for kids to contribute. That might come in the form of making sure that there are some jobs in the classroom, that they have time to share work with each other (after they have been taught the skills of working in groups) or think about an applied learning project that fits with the curriculum.
- Notice that none of these involves class meetings, but they are all respectful and all involve getting the message of caring through.
2. Keep in mind that any intervention that begins to focus on connection is at risk for being seen as soft /fuzzy and be disrespected in some school environments. There is now plenty of evidence that connection makes a difference in the lives of our youth and that we need to intentionally strive to increase it. There is however also good data that JUST working for connection and community leads to decreased academic achievement. What we are looking for is both academic rigor and respectful connection. As a new, less than fully trained teacher, it will be helpful for you to work hard to hold both academic rigor (and sometimes that currently looks like old fashioned teaching) and respectful connection as important and work hard not to get into either/or arguments. There is no question that you will see room for improvement all around you. Taking small (sometimes hard to see or quiet) steps in the direction you hold important will give you more credibility than appearing like you know what is right for others.
3. Maintain an attitude of trying to learn as much from your mentor teacher as possible. With kindness, mine her wisdom, listen to her and get in her shoes as you listen to her concerns. When people feel heard, they gradually open up their ears too. See this as an opportunity to learn, learn, learn. Even if part of what you are learning is what you dont want to do. If you start by listening to her, you might be surprised how receptive she is to small changes that enhance respect in the classroom and give the students developmentally appropriate control and power over themselves and their learning.
4. In your own one on one work with students around behavior issues, focus on solutions instead of consequences. (See the article on the website at http://posdis.org/articles/NoMoreLogicalConsequences.html )
5. Where the school or classroom has clearly established and understood expectations and consequences dont get between a student and the consequences of their actions. Long term you might be able to work for less punitive and more helpful consequencesbut as a first year teacher, dont start there. You will have plenty of other things to do. Let go of that one.
6. When you eventually do get your own classroom, move toward class meetings slowly. Spend plenty of time on the preparing the ground activities before you move on. (I am referring to the activities like Buy In Mutual Respect and Win- Win.) In middle and high schools teachers have done this once or twice a week for only ten minutes. Even that much time is hard to take from the instructional time. It helps to remember that although class meetings are a wonderful tool and indeed really maintain the structure of a democratic classroom, every piece that is taught is also a piece of social-emotional learning curriculum. The class meetings themselves are a practice ground for all of the skills that go into them. Even if you dont get to class meetings in their full form, your students are learning.
7. Many of the teachers I have worked with have found the Positive Discipline in the Classroom (PDC) workshops really helpful. It is different learning from a book than learning in person (where you too, can connect, contribute and feel capable). You might put attending a PDC workshop on your wish list for sometime in the next 12-18 months as you gradually gain your footing as a passionate, respectful and caring teaching professional.

Best wishes to you!
Jody McVittie

Effective Discipline:
1. Helps children feel a sense of connection. (Belonging and significance.)
2. Is mutually respectful and encouraging. (Kind and firm at the same time.)
3. Is effective long - term. (Considers what the child is thinking, feeling, learning, and deciding about himself and his world - and what to do in the future to survive or to thrive.)
4. Teaches important social and life skills. (Respect, concern for others, problem solving, and cooperation as well as the skills to contribute to the home, school or larger community.)
5. Invites children to discover how capable they are. (Encourages the constructive use of personal power and autonomy.)

The most effective way to set limits is to be kind and firm at the same time. Children, like all human beings are most able to change their behavior when they get the sense that they are cared for and respected. Shaming, humiliating and hurting children may stop a behavior in the short term, but it does not teach new behavior and it hurts your relationship with them. I am not saying that children need to be "happy" with the limits that are set, but rather that the limits need to be set in a respectful manner. Following through (making sure that the limits are honored) also needs to be done consistently and with respect.

Here are some hints:
- Whenever possible engage kids in setting appropriate limits. Sometimes this involves explaining the reasoning behind the limit. (We don't throw balls in the house because things get broken.) Sometimes, especially with older children this means asking for help in solving a problem. (Three people need the car this weekend, how are we going to solve that problem?)

- Remember that it is your children's job to "explore" limits. It is your "job" to put up the fence. It is your child's "job" to try to move the fence. Your job is to calmly and firmly just put it back where it belongs. DON'T take this exploration or "testing" personally. (As your children grow of course, the limits will need to be adjusted to allow more freedoms.)

- Know what "appropriate" limits and expectations are for your children. Children's abilities change as they grow. It is not appropriate to expect a 2 year old to be able to share, or a 5 year old to be able to walk calmly beside you at the mall or sit quietly in a car for 3 hours.

- Decide what you will do, not what you will make your child do. "This ball knows that it isn't allowed to 'fly' in the house. It is going to a time out until it is ready to stay on the ground." If you are challenged by kids fighting in the car, you can let them know ahead of time that when it happens, you will simply pull over until they are ready be calm again. When they fight in the car simply pull over and wait. Don't threaten or warn first. Just turn on the signal and pull over and read the book you have brought for the occasion. The first couple of times, you will be a little late to your destination. It is well worth the long term benefit.

- Focus on what you want your children "to do" and their strengths more than on what you don't want and their weaknesses. Instead of saying "Lisa, stop playing with the blinds," you can ask, "Lisa, will you come help me cut the cucumber for dinner?" Instead of asking "Why are you always getting into mischief?" you can say, "Robert, I know you are curious, but if you want to take apart the toaster we'll have to get you one from the second hand store. Our family needs this toaster. It is not OK to take it apart."

- Be consistent with your follow through. When you say that your child "believes he can do whatever he wants" I'm guessing that consistent follow through has been missing. The hard work of parenting involves following through with the limits you set. Every time. If you set a limit that your children can only watch TV for one hour a day, make sure that you are consistent in making sure that the TV is off after one hour of watching. None of us are perfect about follow through 100% of the time, but the more consistent we are, the easier it is for our kids and ourselves in the long run. So, before you set a limit, make sure that you are willing to follow through with it consistently.

- Find time regularly to spend with your child that you can both enjoy. The biggest gift you can give your child is your ability to listen and have faith in him or her. The message of love can get drowned out by the screaming yelling and spanking.

- Ask for more help if you need it. If you find yourself overwhelmed with the problem of setting limits get some help by attending a parenting class or seeing a counselor skilled in working with families. It will be a gift to you and your children.

- Take care of yourself. Parenting is hard work. Make sure that you take care of yourself so that you have the energy and patience that the job calls for.

Best wishes,
Jody McVittie.